Tuesday, December 13, 2005

NEWS FLASH

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS HAS ANNOUNCED THEIR ALL-AMERICA TEAMS. WE AT THE RELIABLE SOURCE ONLY CARE TO SHARE WITH YOU THE 1ST TEAM. IT GOES AS FOLLOWS:
OFFENSE

WR- DWAYNE JARRET-SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
TE- VERNON DAVIS- MARYLAND
OT- MARCUS MCNEILL, AUBURN
OG- MAX JEAN-GILLES, GEORGIA
C- GREG ESLINGER, MINNESOTA
OT- D'BRICKASHAW FERGUSON, VIRGINIA
OT- JONATHON SCOTT, TEXAS
WR- MIKE HASS, OREGON STATE
QB- VINCE YOUNG, TEXAS
RB- REGGIE BUSH, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
RB- JEROME HARRISON, WASHINGTON STATE
ALL PURPOSE- MAURICE DREW-UCLA
K- MASON CROSBY, COLORADO


DEFENSE
DE- TAMBA HALI- PENN STATE
DE- ELVIS DUMERVILLE, LOUISVILLE
DT- HALOTI NGATA, OREGON
DT- RODRIQUE WRIGHT, TEXAS
LB- PAUL POSLUSZNY, PENN STATE
LB- A.J. HAWK, OHIO STATE
LB- DeMECO RYANS- ALABAMA
DB- MICHEAL HUFF, TEXAS
DB- JIMMY WILLIAMS, VRIGINIA TECH
DB- GREG BLUE, GEORGIA
DB- DARNELL BING, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
P- RYAN PLAKEMEIER, WAKE FOREST

NEWS FLASH

STANLEY "TOOKIE" WILLIAMS WAS EXECUTED BY LETHAL INJECTION A LITTLE AFTER 3AM (EST). MR. WILLIAMS WAS MOST KNOWN FOR HIS FOUNDING OF THE "CRIPS" A LOS ANGELES BASED GANG THAT HAS SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUGHOUT THE UNITED STATES. MR. WILLIAMS DID MANY EVIL THINGS AND MANY GOOD THINGS. IN AN ERA OF EVIL MEN, HE WAS ON PAR WITH MANY, BUT THEN AGAIN HE WASN'T. MR. WILLIAMS WAS 51.

Monday, December 12, 2005

NEWS FLASH

IN A STUNNING MOVE TODAY, MIAMI HEAT COACH STAN VAN GUNDY HAS RESIGNED CITING FAMILY REASONS. THE COACH THAT LED THE MIAMI HEAT TO THE EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS LAST YEAR HAS DECIDED TO STEP DOWN AFTER POSTING A 11-10 RECORD THUS FAR. WITHOUT SHAQUILLE O'NEAL THE TEAM HAS BEEN MEDIOCRE, BUT WITH SHAQ BACK INT HE LINE UP, PAT RILEY OF SHOWTIME FAME HAS ENTERED THE FRAY AGAIN. THE EGOMANIAC RILEY, SAID HE BEGGED VAN GUNDY TO STAY, BUT IN THE END FAMILY WON OVER VAN GUNDY. DOES THIS MEAN VAN GUNDY WON'T COACH AGAIN UNTIL HIS:
A. CHILDREN ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE
B. SPENDS "QUALITY TIME" WITH HIS FAMILY
C. IS OFFERED A JOB WHERE THE PRESIDENT ISN'T A FORMER COACH

THOUGH THE RELIABLE SOURCE WAS UNABLE TO REACH RILEY FOR CONTACT, WE KNOW THAT HE WILL HAVE THE MIAMI HEAT IN TIP TOP SHAPE. OPPORTUNITY WAITS FOR NO MAN.


D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

IN A RECENT BLOG POSTING BY CHRIS CILLIZZA OF THE WASHINGTON POST'S WASHINGTONPOST.COM POLITICAL BLOG, THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE (RNC) HAS STARTED A WEB ATTACK AD ON THE DEMOCRATS. THE SITE IS CALLING THE DEMOCRATS COWARDS FOR THEIR STANCE ON THE "RETREAT AND DEFEAT" MENTALITY OF CURRENT DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP. THE RELIABLE SOURCE HAS LEARNED THAT THE REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP IS GOING TO BUCK DECADES OF PRECEDENT AND ENCOURAGE AND DEMAND THAT THEIR OWN OFF SPRING ENLIST IN THE ARMED SERVICES. MANY OF THE REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP'S CHILDREN ATTEND HIGH DOLLAR IVY LEAGUE INSTITUTIONS ARE PACKING UP THEIR SQUASH RAQUETS AND ARE HEADING TO WORK FOR UNCLE SAM. A NOTION ONCE SCARFED AT IN MICHEAL MOORE'S FAHRENHEIT 9/11 IS NOW COMING TO A REALITY. IMAGINE, THE ONES WHO SEND CHILDREN INTO HARMS WAY FOR THEIR PERSONAL BENEFIT, ARE NOW SENDING THEIR OWN OFFSPRING INTO HARMSN WAY FOR THEIR PERSOANL BENEFIT. THE RELAIBLE SOURCE A NEUTRAL NEWS ORGANIZATION, COMMENDS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY FOR ADVOCATING THE ENLISTMENT OF ALL WEALTHY 18-25 YEAR OLD MEN AND WOMEN. REPUBLICAN SENATE AND CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP ARE DELIBERATING IN THEIR SUB-COMMITTEES TODAY TO HAMMER OUT A STRATEGY TO SEND THEIR CHILDREN AND RELATIVES TO THE WAR IN IRAQ. WAR ROCKS!!!


D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

IN AN ATTEMPT TO STRENGTHEN THEIR PRODUCT, THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION (NBA)IS GOING TO STRESS "PLAYERS WITH SKILLS" IN THEIR UPCOMING DRAFT. THE NBA HAS TAKEN A HIT IN RECENT YEARS, OR SINCE MICHEAL JORDAN LEFT ON IT'S PERCEPTION TO IT'S FANS (WHITE PEOPLE). IT SEEMS THAT THE NBA HAS TRIED TO MAKE AMMENDS BY ENFORCING A BUSINESS CASUAL ATTIRE DRESS CODE THAT ELIMINATES ALL ELEMENTS OF THE "HIP-HOP" MARKETING CULTURE. SINCE THE "HIP-HOP" MUSIC CULTURE DIED ROUGHLY FIVE TO TEN YEARS AGO, THE REMNANCE OF IT IS A CORPORATE MACHINE THAT PUMPS OUT PREDICATABLE MUSIC AT THE DROP OF A DIME. THE NBA, WHICH IS REELING, FEELS IN ORDER FOR THEIR LEAGUE TO GAIN THIER JORDANESQUE DOMINANCE, THEY MUST GO AFTER BETTER SKIILED PLAYERS TO CATCH THE MUNDANE YET TRMENDOUSLY POPULAR NASCAR (YEE-HAW). THE NBA (Y'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN') ASPIRES TO HAVE A LEAGUE OF SKILLED PLAYERS THAT CAN: CREATE A SHOT OFF OF THE DRIBBLE, PASS AND REBOUND, AND CAN PLAY DEFENSE. THOUGH DEFENSE IS IN THEIR 50 YEAR PLAN, DAVID STERN FEELS CONFIDENT THE OTHER TWO ARE ATTAINABLE.


D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

THE HEISMAN VOTERS GOT IT RIGHT WITH REGGIE BUSH APPEARING ON 99% OF THE BALLOTS. IT APPEARS THAT PAUL HORNUNG, A NOTRE DAME LEGEND, FORMER WINNER, AND RACIAL PUNDIT VOTED THE FAIR HAIRED BRADY QUINN NUMBER 1 AND VINCE YOUNG NUMBER 2 AND REGGIE BUSH NUMBER 3. I GUESS HE WASN'T COHERENT WHEN USC RAN WILD ON THE IRISH. NEVERTHELESS, THE RELIABLE SOURCE WOULD LIKE TO NAME IT'S TOP FIVE HEISMAN CANDIDATES FOR 2006. THIS OF COURSE IS PREDICATED ON THE RETURN OF ALL DRAFT ELIGIBLE PLAYERS.

5. LENDALE WHITE TB, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
4. ADRIAN PETERSEN TB, OKLAHOMA
3. VINCE YOUNG QB, TEXAS
2. BRADY QUINN QB, NOTRE DAME
1. TED GINN JR. WR, OHIO STATE


D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

IN A STUNNING MOVE MADE IN WASHINGTON, D.C., IT IS NOW OKAY FOR ONE TO DETERMINE FOR ONESELF THE GOOD AND BAD THAT A POLITICAL CANDIDATE. THOUGHT TO BE DEAD, CRITICAL THINKING IS NOW RECOMMENDED BY THE RULING CLASS AND THEIR LOBBYISTS IN THE NATION'S CAPITAL. SOME POLITICIANS SUCH AS REP. TOM DELAY OF TEXAS SAID "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT HOW THEY (THE CONSTITUENTS OF THE 22ND DISTRICT) VOTE, I'M STILL FIXIN' TO WIN NEXT YEAR. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL VOTE FOR ME. CRITICAL THINKING IS FOR ME TO DO, NOT THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS OR AMERICA FOR THAT MATTER." DEMOCRATIC SENATOR HILLARY "RODMAN" CLINTON OFFERED "I THINK CRITICAL THINKING IS GREAT, AS LONG AS YOU LEAVE IT TO THOSE WHO HAVE MORE EDUCATION AND POLITICAL MOXY. WE DON'T WANT THE COMMON PEOPLE TO GET HEADACHES FROM THINKING TO HARD." THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES SAID, "THIS IS A REPUBLIC. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? IT MEANS THAT VOTERS VOTE FOR WHO THEY WANT TO MAKE THE DESCISIONS FOR THE COUNTRY. SO THEY DON'T NEED TO BE CRITICAL THINKING OR WHATEVER THE HELL YOU CALL IT. WE DO IT FOR 'EM." THE REALIABLE SOURCE BELEIVES THAT IS IF AMERICANS TRULY WERE TO BECOME A NATION OF OBJECT CRITICAL THINKERS, TWO THINGS WOULD HAPPEN:

1. THERE WOULD BE NO MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEES.

2. THE NATION AS WE KNOW IF WOULD SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.



D.A. PRESS

Friday, December 09, 2005

NEWS FLASH

ERIC CARTMAN OF SOUTH PARK, COLORADO HAS BEEN NAMED NEW HEAD FOOTBALL COACH AT THE UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO. IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, "CARTMAN" WILL RECIEVE TEN MILLION, THAT'S RIGHT TEN MILLION DOLLARS PER SEASON TO COACH THE DEFENDING BIG 12 NORTH CHAMPIONS. MR. CARTMAN IS MOST NOTABLY KNOWN FOR HIS UTTERLY DISGUSTING, RACIST, AND IMPETUOUS ROLE ON THE HIT ANIMATED TELEVISION SHOW SOUTH PARK. WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, MR. CARTMAN SAID "THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A BIG DAY FOR ME AND MY FAM-I-LIE...I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING UP TO BOULDER, MEETING THE TEAM, AND HAVING THEM RESPECT MY AUTHO-RI-TIE." CARTMAN'S CHILDHOOD COMPADRE TURNED YALE LAW GRADUATE AND UBER AGENT KENNY MCCORMICK SAID "EKJBH;KSAJTBHS;KRTJBHRST;KSAERKJBH" (TRANSLATION: "THIS DAY ROCKS....WE'RE SUPER PSYCHED FOR ERIC AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WENT FOR IT. ERIC, STAN(MARSH), KYLE(BRAVLOSKY), AND ME ARE GOING TO VEGAS TO GET LAID."


D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

IN AN ATTEMPT TO FURTHER DISGRACE AND BELITTLE THE AFRICAN AMERICAN RACE AND COMMUNITY, RAPPER 50 CENT AND THE KU KLUX KLAN HAVE TEAMED UP TO ANNOUNCE A FORTY OUNCE MALT LIQUOR LINE CALLED SAMBO 4-50 AND A LINE OF AK-47 ASSULT RIFLES TO ONLY BE SOLD IN INNER CITY NEIGHBORHOODS. IN A RECENT TOUR STOP PROMOTING HIS VIDEO GAME KILL A NIGGA, MR. CENT WAS QUOTED AS SAYING RAPPER EXTRODINAIRE AND CURRENT PRISON INMATE KIM "LIL KIM" JONES "FUCK NIGGAS GET MONEY....G-UNIT." WHEN TOLD OF HIS COMMENT INTERSCOPE RECORDS HEAD JIMMY IOVINE SAID "IT'S WHAT THE STREETS WANT." KU KLUX KLAN PRESIDENT AND CEO CLETUS J. BOB RATLIFF STATED "THAT 50 CENT IS A GOOD COON BOY AND WE SUPPORT HIS EFFORTS TO KILL ALL NIGGERS."

D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

THE INTERNATIONAL PORNOGRAPHERS OF AMERICA HAVE ANNOUNCED A NEW SERIES OF ADULT ENTERTAINMENT FILMS TO BE RELEASED IN 2006. IRVING PETERS (I.P.) FREELY SAID THIS "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN WILL BREAK THROUGH THE BARRIERS SET IN HOLLYWOOD AND WE AT THE I.P.A, INTEND TO SUPPORT THE DVD/VIDEO CONSUMERS OF THE WORLD WITH OUR COLLECTIVE NEW SERIES."
I.P. FREELY IS A WORLD RENOWN PORNOGRAPHER RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEGA-HIT GARY GOBSTOPPER'S GREAT GANGLAND GANGBANG GALA VOLUME I-XXI.

Porn Spin Off's of Broke Back Mountain coming son from the Valley:
10. Roughneck Riders
9. Brokeback Bad Boys
8. Brokeback Bangers
7. Sheep Lovers
6. Brokeback Kowboys
5. Queers and Steers
4. Chaps, Straps, and Dildos
3. Ranch Hand(jobs)
2. Lone Slanger
1. Brokeback Butt Boys Volume I



D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

TOM DELAY WAS SPOTTED OUTSIDE OF A 5TH WARD YOUTH CENTER HANDING OUT TURKEYS TO THE IMPOVERISHED MEMBERS OF HIS DISTRCIT. DELAY IS A DEVOUT SUPPORTER OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY AND HE AND HIS STAFFERS LOVE BROTHAS AND PLAN TO REALLY INDOCTRINATE THEMSELVES INTO THE COMMUNITY. IT HAS BEEN REPORTED THAT HE'S EVEN BOUGHT THE BIGGIE/TUPAC MIXTAPE. KEEP IT REAL FOLKS!

D.A. PRESS

NEWS FLASH

MICHEAL IRVING WAS SEEN LEAVING A OAK CLIFFS (DALLAS) CRACKHOUSE WITH BIBLE IN HAND TO COUNSEL THE DOWNTRODEN DRUG USERS OF DALLAS. WHEN SPOTTED IRVIN, LIKE THE REST OF THE JUNKIES SPLIT. THE RELIABLE SOURCE STANDS BY ITS STORY.

D.A. PRESS